Bob & Doug McKenzie on Niqabs

March 14, 2015 by  
Filed under Featured, Articles, Local Matters

Bob: G’day. I’m Bob McKenzie, and this is my brother Doug. Doug, say g’day.

Bob & Doug MKenzie.

Bob & Doug MKenzie.

Doug: Yo.

Bob: And today’s topic is naqibs.

Doug: No, you douchebag, not naqibs, it’s niqabs.

Bob: Same difference, eh?

Doug: What a dork. Smarten up, eh? A naqib is an Arabic word meaning “he who investigates, verifies,” and a niqab is, uh, like, a ski-mask for Muslim ladies. Like, they come from really hot deserts and here, it’s like freezing, so they need a niqab.

Niqab.

Niqab.

Bob: I heard they don’t have no brew there, eh?

Doug: No way! No wonder there’s all those people dyin’ of thirst in the desert.

Bob: I thought those Muslim ladies wore, whatchamacallits, hajibs.

Doug: Not hajibs, it’s hijabs.

Bob: Same difference.

Doug: Shows what you know, eh? A hajib is a court official in the old days, an advisor to the caliph. And a hijab is a veil that covers the head and chest, which is particularly worn by some Muslim women in the presence of adult males.

Hijab.

Hijab.

Bob: And they’re both different from a jihadi, eh? That’s, like, a guy who can blow you away, or cut off your head. See, my Arabic’s as good as yours.

Doug: You got it, dude.

Bob: So, anyway, what’s the big deal about niqabs?

Doug: See, there’s this Muslim lady and she goes to her Citizenship Ceremony wearing this niqab covering up her face and they tried to kick her out, eh, ’cause it was, like, Un-Canadian.

Bob: No way! Well, can I wear my toque to the Citizenship Ceremony?

L'Ordre de la Tuque ceremony.

L’Ordre de la Tuque ceremony.

Doug: No, you can wear it at L’Ordre de la Tuque Ceremony.

Bob: What language is that? Sounds like Arabic to me.

Doug: You hoser. So, she goes to court and the judge says she can wear her niqab.

Bob: So?

Doug: So, the Prime Minister, that’s Stephen Harper, numbnuts, is gonna pass a law sayin’ you can’t wear your niqab to the Citizenship Ceremony.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

Bob: Well, what about a hoodie?

Doug: So, that starts a whole political thing. Soon, everybody’s in on it. The NDP guy, whatshisname, and Justin Trudeau, all them dudes. Justin is Pierre Trudeau’s son, in case you didn’t know.

Bob: Yeah, I heard there’s a beer named for him: Trudeau-Lite. Snurf, snurf.

Doug: Good one.

Bob: So what’s the difference between a toque and a toke?

Doug: Take off, eh?

Bob: Take it off? No way.

Doug: Just take off.

Canadian.

Canadian.

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Sidney Australia is the pseudonym of a philosophy professor and former sex worker.